theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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