so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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