I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
