My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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