look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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