Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
