Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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