Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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