ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Houston, we have a blender
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
