I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
