Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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