a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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