By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Houston, we have a blender
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
