I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
