It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
