I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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