Got a toothbrush?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
