So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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