party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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