I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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