I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
