Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
