Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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