A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
