Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
