So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
