Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
