The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
