News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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