I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
