Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
