i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
