dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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