I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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