I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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