She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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