The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
