i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
