you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just threw up on my dentist
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
