your thong is hanging out like whoa
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
