I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
zippers are such a cool invention
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
