My nipple is on Facebook.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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