Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
