Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
