Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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