6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
