Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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