He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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