I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
