I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
