His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
